Well that pile of index cards that I loved so much has become a source of dread, delay, avoidance, procrastination, rebellion and ANGER! This week has been horrible. I’m so angry it’s hard to write all my thoughts in a proper manner. And if you were to ask me why I’m so angry….I don’t even know! I could rant about lots of things, but none of those are the source of my anger even though I try to spin it that way.
Because of these intense feelings, I have completely avoided pretty much everything I should be doing this week. This includes all MKMMA homework (with the exception of reading my index cards – somehow that wasn’t as painful even though that stacked deck is killing me), making dinners for my family, working my business, and general home duties. Not only did I avoid my responsibilities, but I am filled with vicious anger! I don’t even know where this came from!
So I unloaded on poor hubby last night. By the way, he’s awesome and sometimes hits me right where I need it. I didn’t need him to say it, because when it came out of my mouth I know the source of my discontent this week. I still don’t know what to do about it, but I have identified the salt in my wound. The salt is that troubling question, “what are you pretending not to know?” Ugh, just typing the question makes me want to scream! The worst part is, I know the answer.
I have been plagued all week by this question. It certainly hits a nerve and as I see words like hero, calling, and purpose repeatedly from various sources, and I get even more annoyed. I am not sure exactly what I am angry or annoyed about, I just am. How strange. I definitely don’t know how to handle this and I’m not sure what to actually do. I know avoiding my responsibilities isn’t the right response, but I have such a strong avoidance thing going on. I just look at anything related to MKE or my business, and I’m almost growling as I think, “I am NOT doing that.”
I have this very strong “I WILL NOT” thing going on in my mind. It’s kindof bizarre because I just don’t understand why. Nothing has changed and nothing is different, I’m just angry and acting like a child having a temper tantrum. WHY?
Even my 17 year old son this morning is sharing about a motivational video (he’s an athlete) and telling me about how you have to leave the old behind and become something new……gah! Sound familiar, Week 17 HJ anyone? I about bit his head off and said I don’t want to hear it!
WTH is going on with me? Something is happening but I don’t know what and I certainly don’t know what to do about it. I’m staying in the game and I need to get some alliance peeps to help me work this through.