Well that pile of index cards that I loved so much has become a source of dread, delay, avoidance, procrastination, rebellion and ANGER! This week has been horrible. I’m so angry it’s hard to write all my thoughts in a proper manner. And if you were to ask me why I’m so angry….I don’t even know! I could rant about lots of things, but none of those are the source of my anger even though I try to spin it that way.
Because of these intense feelings, I have completely avoided pretty much everything I should be doing this week. This includes all MKMMA homework (with the exception of reading my index cards – somehow that wasn’t as painful even though that stacked deck is killing me), making dinners for my family, working my business, and general home duties. Not only did I avoid my responsibilities, but I am filled with vicious anger! I don’t even know where this came from!
So I unloaded on poor hubby last night. By the way, he’s awesome and sometimes hits me right where I need it. I didn’t need him to say it, because when it came out of my mouth I know the source of my discontent this week. I still don’t know what to do about it, but I have identified the salt in my wound. The salt is that troubling question, “what are you pretending not to know?” Ugh, just typing the question makes me want to scream! The worst part is, I know the answer.
I have been plagued all week by this question. It certainly hits a nerve and as I see words like hero, calling, and purpose repeatedly from various sources, and I get even more annoyed. I am not sure exactly what I am angry or annoyed about, I just am. How strange. I definitely don’t know how to handle this and I’m not sure what to actually do. I know avoiding my responsibilities isn’t the right response, but I have such a strong avoidance thing going on. I just look at anything related to MKE or my business, and I’m almost growling as I think, “I am NOT doing that.”
I have this very strong “I WILL NOT” thing going on in my mind. It’s kindof bizarre because I just don’t understand why. Nothing has changed and nothing is different, I’m just angry and acting like a child having a temper tantrum. WHY?
Even my 17 year old son this morning is sharing about a motivational video (he’s an athlete) and telling me about how you have to leave the old behind and become something new……gah! Sound familiar, Week 17 HJ anyone? I about bit his head off and said I don’t want to hear it!
WTH is going on with me? Something is happening but I don’t know what and I certainly don’t know what to do about it. I’m staying in the game and I need to get some alliance peeps to help me work this through.
Amy's MKMMA Journey 
A big hug to you! I have a question…is the source of your anger related to becoming this new person and you feel like you are betraying the “old” you? I am wondering if you are feeling that the “old” you served you well for so long (look at what you have accomplished so far in life) and now moving onto this new self, with new perspective, is like leaving a friend behind? The MKMMA community is here for you! Keep reaching out. Hugs!
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I don’t really know. I haven’t made that connection I just know it’s related to that looming question. That’s part of my frustration. I just can’t identify the actual cause.
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That is understandable. “I persist. I win.” Perhaps take it to your sit and see what manifests. Continue your journey 🙂 I’m rooting for ya!
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Hi. Amy! I saw your plea for help in the alliances, and immediately came here to read. You may not want to hear this right now, but your son is right. Hang in there! Take a deep breath. Relax. This is just your old blueprint fighting to stay alive! Don’t let it! Give yourself permission to let it die…. Persist until you succeed. I too, have struggled and been angry, and sometimes dread the amount of daily assignments that we have. But I know what is best for the new me. Dying to self is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. I have laughed, cried, screamed, cussed, yelled, and refused to do some tasks. But now? After the storm? I’ve got such a sense of Freedom! Remember, YOU are Nature’s Greatest Miracle….. Whole, Perfect, Strong, Powerful, Loving, Harmonious and Happy. Just BE Happy! I invite you to read my blog at brenda.ourmasterkeyexperience.com for some inspiration. Just know that we are all in this together, and are here to help you. 🙂
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Thanks
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Beautifully said Brenda!
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this is actually WONDERFUL what is happening. Beautiful sign of you opening up to your True Self. And the fact that you are so open about it and willing to share in your blog, and shouting out in the Alliances, proves that you are WELL on track, even if that does not seem to be so right now.
I sense that although your old patterns, your old you, are kicking and screaming all that they can, that new You is already in place, or you would not observe what is going on in the way you do, and you would not journal about it the way you did. So that is HUGE! Well done, you obviously have been and are still doing ‘the work’, even if at times ‘only’ underneath. The picture you post with it, speaks very loud and clearly to me too. The bubble of the ‘old’ about to burst… and it will all get clear what it is about once it does, have faith in that, and at the same time it’s such a beautiful, magnificently fragile promise of the New and pure emerging…… you are simply AWESOME.
The arrow needs to go backwards for it to be able to go forward, and the further it goes backwards, the further it can go forward. While it is going ‘backwards’, it may seem to have forgotten that its aim is to go forward, and that that is what it IS going to do. Don’t be fooled by that, look beyond the veil…. (GS….)
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I’m in a similar situation as you are Amy. I saw your blog post and immediately came here. My answer to, “what am I pretending not to know?” I’m pretending that I need “the banana” to stay comfortable and to not make challenging decisions that are actually fantastic growth opportunities in disguise. The banana is my excuse for not reading and yet I already defied the banana and read Gal in the Glass last night and could barely look myself in the eyes. I couldn’t say I love you, I just said aloud “I’m working on getting better at this again, stay with me on this.” I felt stronger telling myself the truth. Do something small to remind yourself that you are love and you are a work in progress.
I know what the banana is supposed to represent for us in this course, but what does the banana really mean to you? I would love to mastermind with you if you’re available. jennyrshear@gmail.com
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Thanks Jenny. Yes love to connect. Headed to church now. But yes I just said to my hubby “are we ready to stop lying to ourselves?” It applies to so many areas but at that time I was talking about losing some weight and better eating habits. But applies all over. I’ll email later.
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I am SO proud of you and applaud your honesty and courage to reach out in the Alliances. And I totally agree with Dominica, Jenny, Brenda, Natalie. Breathe it in and just be the observer…non-judgementally. This grit – the irritation and discomfort you feel right now means you are emerging, your breakthrough is on the horizon. Take the dreaded question into your sits and patiently await your answers, they are coming.
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Thanks lori
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Amy, you’re really not alone. I have been/do feel similarly to you. And I have a feeling when we can work past these (strange) emotions and come out on the other side, things will be vibrant and harmonious. We just have to get there. And for me, “sitting” doesn’t always get me where I want to go (I battle the money mind), BUT reaching out to my MKMMA tribe, my guide and my alliances has ALWAYS been helpful and provided me with questions/answers/directions at need at that moment. And I think you’re onto that by writing and sharing what you did. Job well done. Good luck.
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Yes! Reaching out to all of you is the one thing that helps me the most in times of old troubling storms. Haha! Sometimes, it rains bananas….. 🙂
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Bwahah…yup it sometimes rains bananas! 🍌🍌
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