Week 19 – Finding Joe, Finding Amy

I think I had an “Aha” moment this week.  While watching Finding Joe, it occurred to me that I do not know what my bliss is!

As I consider some of the things mentioned, I think I have it all wrong.

  • What do I love doing (when the hours feel like minutes)?
  • What made me different (even when I was a kid)?
  • If there was no constraint of time or money, what would I do?

My DMP does not reflect my answers to these questions.  Instead, I have focused on the method, rather than the ideal!  Coming into this class I had no idea what to do with myself, and at one point I thought it became clear.  Now I am more uncertain than before.  As I look at those questions, I find myself able to answer those questions, but because I cannot attach a method to make it profitable I dismiss the idea.  I was listening to Tony Hawk and realizing how bizarre it is to earn a living skateboarding for goodness sakes!  And there was the other guy who left college, and waited 3 months before he had any direction for his future.

It gave me hope.  Hope that I can still find my bliss.  Hope that I’m not too old and it’s not too late.  I must find my authentic self and discover my deepest passion, my greatest gifts…to find the thing I can’t not do.  “Trust the deep impulse within us.”

This movie was deeply unsettling.  I guess that is the point.  I realize that even the things in my DMP are possibly the projection of others’ expectations that I have accepted.  While I am excited to have had this awakening, I feel much less certain about what to do about it.  How does this affect my homework – since so much of it is based on my current DMP?  In some ways I feel so much more confused, and in other ways I feel light and hopeful.  Maybe all this turmoil I have is because I am trying to make myself want something I don’t really want!  OMG!

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Week 18 – Baby Steps Forward

Well after the great trauma of Week 17 and following the encouraging comments from other MKE members, I made a decision.  I made a decision to continue on, to go forward and to press through this uncomfortable, frustrating emotion.  Despite my strong emotional response, I decided to answer the call.  I’m still not sure exactly what that means or how it looks, but I cannot keep going ’round the same unproductive cycle any more!  The idea of refusing the call, again, is more scary than pressing forward, though I don’t think I would have the strength to make that decision without all my MKE peeps encouraging me along.

It’s so easy to focus on all the things I’m not doing right – and yet I hear Davene saying how awesome I am week after week.  I am learning to embrace my greatness within, and again I’m not sure exactly what that means or how it looks, but I’m trying to shift my focus in this regard.  I’m still uncertain about what I really want in the future, but my list of what I don’t want continues to grow, lol.

A commitment to myself, my goals, MY Master Key Experience – that is my goal in Week 18.  I’m recognizing so many places where I have been trained to think a certain way about things, and I’m working on thinking for myself.

So cheers to me for choosing the path of the unknown!  (Oh my gosh, I get nervous just typing that!)

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Week 17 – The Dreaded Question

frozen-bubble-1943224_1280Well that pile of index cards that I loved so much has become a source of dread, delay, avoidance, procrastination, rebellion and ANGER!  This week has been horrible.  I’m so angry it’s hard to write all my thoughts in a proper manner.  And if you were to ask me why I’m so angry….I don’t even know!  I could rant about lots of things, but none of those are the source of my anger even though I try to spin it that way.

Because of these intense feelings, I have completely avoided pretty much everything I should be doing this week.  This includes all MKMMA homework (with the exception of reading my index cards – somehow that wasn’t as painful even though that stacked deck is killing me), making dinners for my family, working my business, and general home duties.  Not only did I avoid my responsibilities, but I am filled with vicious anger!  I don’t even know where this came from!

So I unloaded on poor hubby last night. By the way, he’s awesome and sometimes hits me right where I need it.  I didn’t need him to say it, because when it came out of my mouth I know the source of my discontent this week.  I still don’t know what to do about it, but I have identified the salt in my wound.  The salt is that troubling question, “what are you pretending not to know?”  Ugh, just typing the question makes me want to scream!  The worst part is, I know the answer.

I have been plagued all week by this question.  It certainly hits a nerve and as I see words like hero, calling, and purpose repeatedly from various sources, and I get even more annoyed.  I am not sure exactly what I am angry or annoyed about, I just am.  How strange.  I definitely don’t know how to handle this and I’m not sure what to actually do.  I know avoiding my responsibilities isn’t the right response, but I have such a strong avoidance thing going on.  I just look at anything related to MKE or my business, and I’m almost growling as I think, “I am NOT doing that.”

I have this very strong “I WILL NOT” thing going on in my mind.  It’s kindof bizarre because I just don’t understand why.  Nothing has changed and nothing is different, I’m just angry and acting like a child having a temper tantrum.  WHY?

Even my 17 year old son this morning is sharing about a motivational video (he’s an athlete) and telling me about how you have to leave the old behind and become something new……gah! Sound familiar, Week 17 HJ anyone?  I about bit his head off and said I don’t want to hear it!

WTH is going on with me?  Something is happening but I don’t know what and I certainly don’t know what to do about it.  I’m staying in the game and I need to get some alliance peeps to help me work this through.

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Week 16 – Love Those Cards 

My pile of positivity cards continues to grow, and this is one of my favorite exercises! I love looking through them multiple times a day. It makes me smile and feel good. I look forward to stacking the deck and reading each card.  What fun!

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Week 15 – Game Changer

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The beginning of the Week 15 webinar almost had me trembling.  I realized that what Davene was saying was true in my heart.  My greatest fear is indeed the power within!  I felt this incredible pull to just stay the same.  Stay in the comfort zone!  It was almost screaming at me.  And at the same time I have this growing desire to become more….more than the comfort zone allows.  I felt as if I was standing at this crossroads where I have to make a crucial choice – Go down the scary, unknown, uncomfortable path or learn to be satisfied with the way things are.  It was actually an easy decision…I simply cannot be satisfied with where things are so I must forge a new path, work harder to embrace the new blueprint, and be more diligent with Master Key exercises.

As I look back, I see that things are developing exactly like Mark & Davene said it would.  An opportunity literally fell into our laps.  And somehow (I think it’s due to my PMA 🙂 ) we are getting results like we never have before!  When I realized this, I was afraid!  I didn’t fully understand why I was afraid, but it became clear when I listened to the Week 15 Webinar.  Very clear.

So despite that realization, I have decided to take the road less traveled which is much less certain, but has much more to offer!  I refuse to embrace Fear and instead will dig my heels in deeper into the Master Key course!  I am learning to embrace my future self and I look forward to more great realizations as I progress!

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Week 14-Play it again

Well due to the fact that I had major surgery on Dec 27, I completely lost week 14. In the interest of staying consistent, I figured I would make this entry.

I was completely out of practice, reading and everything for about 10 days, but I’m back on track.  I appreciate the webinar replays so I was able to catch up during week 15.  And now, we are back in business. 🙂

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Week 13 – PMA

Much as I realize I have to step up my commitment to the homework and exercises for my own sake, I also can’t help but notice that I have developed a terrific new habit!  It has become almost effortless at this point. My PMA is firm and the fact that I just went through a kidney donation without any problems is further evidence if you ask me.

I donated one of my kidneys 3 days ago so I will have a little grace when I think about being late on my blog.  The PMA grew out of faithfulness to the mental diet and being an active guard at the gate.   I already am a completely different person and honestly, there is so much more to gain in this course. I’m sure everyone progresses at their own pace so for me, I have made great strides with PMA and I am consistently working on my DMP and MMA. 

I love that even though I see gross need to do better with the exercises and all, I still see such improvement in who I am! That is encouraging and since I want all the improvement this course offers, I commit to get back on the horse! (I did bring my stuff to the hospital with good intentions, but I just wasn’t up for it.)

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Week 12 -I feel happy!

So a very obvious change I’ve noticed over the past 3 months is that I am happy a lot!  Just happy!  Nothing has changed in my circumstances to be the cause, I am simply happy.  I definitely have a more positive outlook on um, EVERYTHING, and I genuinely like myself.  Even better, I am learning to love myself.

As I continue to consider and tweak my DMP, I am most excited about one new skill in particular.  I have learned to control the “Guard at the Gate”!  It is becoming second nature!  That is super exciting!!!  And as I struggle with other exercises or concepts, my success in controlling the Guard at the Gate encourages me to keep on keeping on. I am definitely not where I would like to be, but recognizing that Iam my greatest critic, I choose to have some grace toward myself and rest in knowing that I am certainly doing my best!

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Week 11 -Tested by Life

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“I recognize that each day I am tested by life in like manner.” – Scroll III

Partly due to my lifestyle, partly due to my schedule and partly due to the time of year, I am exceedingly behind in all areas of life.  There is a part of me that wonders if this gal is addicted to the feeling of “Overwhelm”.  Sadly, that is a word I can often use to describe how I feel.  I try not to use that word and I have gotten much better at avoiding the frantic overwhelm, but my brain still feels overwhelmed with my endless, enormous “to do” list.

My homework has been poor this week, and yet my resolve is great.  I’m struggling to figure out how to get all these things done…and I’m not only referring to this course.  Rather than go into all the things I am balancing, since everyone has a similar struggle, I’m taking steps to get help from others who can help me stay on task with daily things that I simply must do.  I have an appointment with one of our business partners and plan to have a mastermind alliance to help stay on track with my POA.  I must be commited to OATS each week and then I have to stick with it.  Maybe it’s just me, but that 20% of “things happen” seems to be well over 50% lately.  Last minute trips to pick up running shoes for track, quick purchase off craigslist, shopping for parties, car registration, appointments with doctors…. it all seems to make a complete mess of my planned schedule.  And when that happens I get frustrated and abandon my plan altogether.

I’m excited to make this week different.  The problem has been exposed and now I get to apply things I’ve learned in a new and different way.  This will inevitably make me stronger and able to handle future seasons of life in a better way.

 

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Week 10 -Where did this week go?

This has been a very weak week for me.  I have so much going on in my life and my brain that I have been unfaithful to my new habits and I am even a week late in posting this blog.

I refuse to dwell on the poor past and instead jumped right back into the Week 11 webinar (which of course I wasn’t able to actually watch until Wednesday 😦 ).  I choose to jump right in where I am and improve.

When I fall this far behind (this is the 2nd time), the temptation to just quit rears it’s ugly head.  Diving back into Webinar 11 helped me to refocus and confirm my initial commitment.  I have seen way too much improvement in my life!  I am much happier and positive so I continue to press on….even if it isn’t perfect.

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